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Love, Terror, and Open Hearts

Tuesday, March 11th, 2014 by

Falling in love can be fucking terrifying.

He is, as he puts it, uncorked. I’ve just beat him to the point of tears.

The dam is unstopped
and we are riding
the wave of endorphins
together.
It crests and crashes, leaving us shipwrecked in a sea of emotions.

He is trembling in my arms, vulnerable.
The intimacy of it all takes my breath away.
It’s okay, I tell him. It’s okay.

The last two people who confessed their love to me were friends, people I loved dearly, platonically, whose feelings I could not return. Consequently, I felt like perhaps there was something wrong with me, that perhaps I was incapable of love.

I love you too, I tell him.

And I do.

And it is scary. We have not been seeing each other for very long–two and a half months. It seems fast to me. I worry that fast means reckless, that we will spin out of control and crash. I have pulled the tears from him, have I pulled love from him as well?

The last person I confessed my own love to was Shadow, who did not, for various reasons known not even to him, feel the same. He cared for me very much, but it was, ultimately, not sustainable and we parted. At the time, I already felt undesirable, unwanted, perhaps a contributing factor. His lack of feeling just confirmed the whispers my demons told me.

I have spent a long time keeping people at arm’s length and not letting them in, for various reasons. To protect myself, to protect them, because they weren’t submissive, because of my illness. It felt like there was a piece of me missing. The hole in my arm led to a hole in my heart, unfillable, leaking out my sense of self-worth. I was unlovable.

I do not question the veracity of his feelings, or of my own.

I don’t have doubts, but I do have fears.

First of all, I fear for his heart. Not only am I the one who holds more of the cards, but I am older and more experienced than him, and I want to treat him gently.

He is afraid of it ending. I don’t blame him for this, as it is scary, and the pain of his recent break-up is still fresh in his mind. However, I can recognize the value in relationships that do not last forever. Unlike his last, our relationship does not have an expiration date. But all relationships end one way or another. This is not my fear.

My chief concern is his heart.

I have broken hearts before, and to do so breaks me. I want to care for him and protect him and love him, in the fierce, savage, tender way I’ve come to know.

I know he fears that he is not worthy of me, but I think he is.

I fear that he is not fully formed. That once he is, he will no longer want me. What if he is secretly a top and just doesn’t know it yet? What if he only thinks I am what he wants?

And, yes, I worry about my own heart. It has been broken too, so many times. By submissive men, by vanilla men, by women, by my own self. Can it handle any more?

And though I am afraid, though I am terrified, I know I must have courage. I would never forgive myself if I lost him through my own cowardice.

And so I resolve to keep my heart open, and I pull him to me, and feel his heart beat against mine.

2 Responses to “Love, Terror, and Open Hearts”

  1. How did I not see this sooner?

    Falling in love can be fucking terrifying.

    Oh yeah. If you do it right; then it should be terrifying. If you can look at someone and think about being more vulnerable than you have ever been and not be terrified; then you aren’t doing something right. Things are not fully engaged. Somewhere.

    We have not been seeing each other for very long–two and a half months. It seems fast to me.

    Fast is relative. I felt like I held off telling Mistress Delila that I loved her for an incredible length of time…and it was barely more than a week after we met. There are times when I have said those words because it seemed like it was the right thing to say. There are times when I have said them because it hurt to be away from someone. But with her…I said them because some part of me recognized that I was where I belonged.

    I have pulled the tears from him, have I pulled love from him as well?

    Maybe…sometimes love just needs a place to happen. It just needs the right people at the right time in the right way. Love has no wristwatch or calendar.

    I know he fears that he is not worthy of me, but I think he is.

    Only the arrogant never wonder this. Worthy, to me, is not something I am, but something I do every day. I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

    I fear that he is not fully formed. That once he is, he will no longer want me. What if he is secretly a top and just doesn’t know it yet? What if he only thinks I am what he wants?

    I think these are normal and valid fears. Unlike the others, I don’t have pat answers. For myself, I came around to be submissive through a long path, so I’m sure it’s where I’m supposed to be. Fortunately, not everyone takes thirty-plus years to figure things out.

    And so I resolve to keep my heart open, and I pull him to me, and feel his heart beat against mine.

    This is courage. It is the sort of heroic courage that is necessary for everyday life.

    I have thought, from the moment the two of you announced, that you were a good match. Maybe not perfect, but perfect for each other. As you say, it might not be perfect forever, but perfect for a while is pretty damned good.

    • Professor Chaos says:

      How did I not see this sooner?

      I’m sometimes pretty quiet about when I post. :) Not sure if I should do something about that or not.

      If you do it right; then it should be terrifying.

      I’ve never considered this before, but you are absolutely right. Love is risky by nature.

      Maybe…sometimes love just needs a place to happen.

      Or to make itself known.

      Worthy, to me, is not something I am, but something I do every day.

      I agree with you here. Our actions show who we really are.

      I have thought, from the moment the two of you announced, that you were a good match. Maybe not perfect, but perfect for each other.

      Thank you for being a fan of ours. :) It means a lot to me.

      As you say, it might not be perfect forever, but perfect for a while is pretty damned good.

      I have tried to take the attitude of valuing relationships as they come, even if they are only “right now” relationships, and not “forever” relationships. This is something I feel like I’m pretty good at doing, but it’s hard with Peroxide. I never want to think about the possibility of letting him go.

      As always, thank you for commenting, and your insight!

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