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The Sex Factor

Wednesday, March 5th, 2014 by

I do not exactly feel comfortable talking about my sex life on the internet. Yet here I am.

As I’m sure many of you who already read Peroxide’s blog know, he is a virgin and, up until quite recently, has intended to remain that way until marriage.

I, on the other hand…

I, on the other hand, have had more sexual partners than years I’ve been alive. Frankly, I’m not quite sure I believe in the concept of virginity. I find the idea to be outmoded and patriarchal.

This is the first romantic relationship I have been in since I was high school that has not included intercourse. This is the longest I have been without intercourse since I lost my virginity.

I absolutely refuse to make any demands on him in this respect. This is a hard limit for him and I badly want to respect that. But I have been struggling. This is something that has been a routine, regular part of my relationships for the past ten years.

It’s not just that I really really like sex. (I do.  I really really really like sex. It is probably one of my favorite things.)

It’s also about intimacy. I am not sure I can reach the same level of intimacy with someone without having intercourse with them.

And I am an intimacy junkie. Of course, we have other ways of expressing intimacy. If we didn’t, I don’t think I would be able to handle it. But there is still something missing.

Peroxide has decided that this is something that he is ready for.  And, while I am feeling elated, while I am feeling excited and impatient, I am also feeling oddly hesitant. I want him so. fucking. badly, possibly more than I have ever wanted anyone

And yet.

More than that, I feel responsible for him. And I feel scared. I want to be a Good Dominant. I don’t want him to look back on this and regret it. I feel it is my responsibility to take care of him, to love him and protect him. What if he decides this was a mistake? Isn’t it my job to guide him, to help him do what’s right for him? And how do I know if this is right for him when my own desires are getting in the way?

6 Responses to “The Sex Factor”

  1. Ferns says:

    I hear you on this. Your concerns ARE those of a Good Dominant.

    I sometimes find myself in conflict between ‘making a decision I think is the responsible one’ and ‘being a patronising dick by not trusting my partner’ and ‘what I actually want’.

    My submissive is an adult, and I trust him to make decisions that are right for him. On the other side, I have to make decisions that are right for ME, independent of that. Then add in the ‘making decisions that are right for *us* because he trusts me to do that. All the while recognising that the inherent D/s imbalance means that my submissive will be influenced by what he knows *I* want. Cloudy. Messy.

    If he’s made his decision, then YOUR responsibility is to yourself and to the relationship. To weigh up what you are comfortable with in light of all the information you have, and the decision he’s made.

    For me, that usually takes time. If it’s something that has zero urgency (like this), then you both have the luxury of mulling it over for as long as you need to get to the point where you trust that it’s okay.

    Ferns

    • Professor Chaos says:

      I sometimes find myself in conflict between ‘making a decision I think is the responsible one’ and ‘being a patronising dick by not trusting my partner’ and ‘what I actually want’.

      Yes, this has exactly been my dilemma. Some things are clear-cut and others are very hazy.

      Thanks so much for your perspective. :)

  2. Good questions, and good processing.

    I agree with Ferns on the “respect his decision” side regarding the last paragraph, but I also understand the other two. Especially with my preferred Owner/pet metaphor the on about your job is important. But so are you needs and wants.

    I think the last question would resonate with Jalan, so I’m dropping her the link (though she doesn’t comment often).

    N

    • Professor Chaos says:

      Thanks for commenting! The owner/pet is not quite where I like my metaphorical D/s but I think a lot of the same stuff applies.

  3. Ginger Nic says:

    I already commented on his end of things (goodness, it’s fascinating to see both of you writing about your take on relationship milestones), but you’re coming at it from such a different angle that I wanted to say something here as well.

    It is scary, would be even without the d/s aspect of things. You care about each other and want to be sure that the relationship you’re building is good for him both in terms of fulfilling desires short term and long-term happiness. Except these things are complicated and difficult to articulate and predict and, well, scary.

    What if he decides this was a mistake?

    What keeps me reading his blog is the care with which he thinks things through. He’s articulate, knows how to look at issues from multiple angles, and seems pretty well-practiced at keeping simple desire from running his decision making. Is it possible that he’ll decide it was a mistake? Yes. If so, though, I doubt it will be too damaging. We recover from mistakes, and learn from them. He says the logic behind holding onto his virginity no longer holds. I’m betting that’s not said lightly. So if he decides it was a mistake, it might mean developing a different paradigm and a different way to show intimacy, but it shouldn’t break him.

    Isn’t it my job to guide him, to help him do what’s right for him?
    It may be, to some extent. It’s also his job to let you know, clearly, what right is for him and when that changes. And it does change; that’s normal. He’s taken down a barricade and said the road past it isn’t dangerous anymore. You’re not obligated to take that road, and it makes sense to be careful there, but the barricade is down. Pretending it’s still there doesn’t make much sense.

    And how do I know if this is right for him when my own desires are getting in the way?

    Because you’re being this careful, asking this question. Because you didn’t pounce him the second he wavered on this limit. You’re putting his well-being before your desires, clearly not letting them run the show.

    The problem is you can’t know what’s right for him, not for sure. Neither can he. “Right” implies a binary in which one decision leads to only good outcomes and the other only bad. Social interactions are more complicated. A conversation, a scene, or a sex act can color the way a person thinks and reacts for years, sometimes in good and bad ways at the same time. I think that’s okay, as long as you’re doing what you choose with caring intent and the willingness to work with whatever effects come out.

  4. Professor Chaos says:

    I already commented on his end of things (goodness, it’s fascinating to see both of you writing about your take on relationship milestones), but you’re coming at it from such a different angle that I wanted to say something here as well.

    Thanks for commenting! I’m glad other people are finding our relationship “stuff” (for lack of a better word) interesting. Although I always enjoy reading about other people’s relationships, I almost always hesitate to write about my own. Partially due to my rather private nature and partially due to a belief that my story isn’t interesting enough to be told. So it’s nice to have that fear squelched!

    It is scary, would be even without the d/s aspect of things. You care about each other and want to be sure that the relationship you’re building is good for him both in terms of fulfilling desires short term and long-term happiness. Except these things are complicated and difficult to articulate and predict and, well, scary.

    Yes!

    What keeps me reading his blog is the care with which he thinks things through. He’s articulate, knows how to look at issues from multiple angles, and seems pretty well-practiced at keeping simple desire from running his decision making.

    Me too. One of the first things that drew me to his writing was how self-assured and self-actualized he is.

    So if he decides it was a mistake, it might mean developing a different paradigm and a different way to show intimacy, but it shouldn’t break him.

    Thanks for pointing this out. I KNOW these things, and yet it’s hard not to let your animal brain take over and your fears rule you.

    You’re not obligated to take that road, and it makes sense to be careful there, but the barricade is down. Pretending it’s still there doesn’t make much sense.

    Excellent metaphor; thank you for that.

    Because you didn’t pounce him the second he wavered on this limit.

    I didn’t. But oh, how I wanted to.

    The problem is you can’t know what’s right for him, not for sure. Neither can he.

    Indeed. I think about this frequently.

    “Right” implies a binary in which one decision leads to only good outcomes and the other only bad. Social interactions are more complicated.

    This is such an excellent point, and one that I hadn’t given much thought to at all, and that I really should give more to. Thank you for pointing it out.

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