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Dating and Dominants and Dominance and Dating

Saturday, August 24th, 2013 by

I’ve been single for well over a year now, and dating has been proving to be an exceedingly difficult and troublesome task. Part of this is because I’m not quite sure what I want; an unusual experience for me. My relationship with Shadow was my first real long-term D/s relationship, and while, in many ways, it was wonderful and everything I had ever dreamed about, its amicable but ultimately heart-breaking cessure left me a little skittish about D/s.

Part of me longs for a D/s relationship again, but I also want a relationship that is based on romance, not rules. I want someone who does the things I like, the things I want them to do–but not because they have to. Because they love me.

One thing remains certain: I am an unabashed sexual top. My realization of this has make vanilla dating difficult and awkward. I don’t know how to tell the boy who flirts with me at the coffee shop “Look, you’re really cute, but I’m just not interested unless I can drag you home, tie you to my bed, and make you my fucktoy.”

I feel aimless. Purposeless. I dither about. I start up an OkCupid profile, and then shut it down the next day. I go on a date and then don’t follow-through. I go to a munch and flirt and don’t make any plans to play. I feel simultaneously kink-starved and burned out. I’m not sure what I want, but I am sure that I want something. I don’t know if I want a full blown D/s relationship, but there’s something holding me back from getting into a vanilla one.

I guess the real question I’ve been asking myself is: can I still be dominant if I am not with a submissive? If I am in a vanilla relationship, am I still dominant?

The reason why I want to be in a D/s relationship, to do D/s, is not only so I can actualize my own desires, but because I want someone who can accept me, all of me, including my deviant desires, my kinkiness, my dominance. I want someone who I can really be myself around, someone who will accept and love me, all of me. I worry that if I date a vanilla person, I will end up having to hide or minimize my dominance, that it will fade into the background of my life. After all the self-exploration I’ve done, having to do that feels like having to deny who I really am. But at the same time, I have to ask myself if I am willing to live a life devoid of love in order to stay true to myself? I’m uncertain how to proceed with this question, and, unanswered, it continues to gnaw at my heart and fester in my mind.

One Response to “Dating and Dominants and Dominance and Dating”

  1. Devin O. says:

    It seems like we have different separate desires tied up in the social construction of relationships, like the desire to be loved, the desire to be accepted, the desire for sex, the desire for stability, all that stuff. It can be a real mess when our dating situation, for whatever reason, puts some of them in tension. I’m just guessing based on the impressions of what you’ve written, but it sounds like that might be the case for you at the moment.

    It’s like you want several things (things that are entirely reasonable to want, really) in a relationship but you’re not sure which one you want more or want first and you’re not sure how to prioritize them because you want them all, and yet you’re worried that getting one means you couldn’t get the other. You don’t want someone who loves you for the roles and the sexuality, but you don’t want someone who loves you romantically but doesn’t revel in your sexuality too.

    I’m not sure what advice to give. I think if I were approaching it I think I’d favor looking for romantic love with a broad base of communication from the start as a foundation for building a fulfilling sexuality on. Sexuality seems a bit easier to find than healthy, well-communicating relationships.

    But it’s hard to say whether that advice is warped by the lens of my own loneliness, wanting companionship first and foremost. Someone to hold, someone to talk about nerdy things late into the night with, someone to just be quietly comfortable laptopping in bed with. Nice things, comforting things. Mutually supportive things, too. That’s what I’ve been missing most, and I don’t know if your mind’s wants to develop a relationship with the same sort of comfort to be a salve on the loneliness, or if you’re longing for something else entirely.

    That’d actually be an interesting question, finding out the things people long for when they’re lonely, what they wish for to fulfill that need. I wonder how different people are in that regard.

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