Mainstream femdom plays into the notion that female dominants are invulnerable to emotion, with images of cold ice-queens who endlessly berate their submissives, referring to them as worthless or pathetic. I will never understand this. Why bother owning something worthless? If he’s so pathetic, why are you playing with him?
And then, of course, there’s withholding sex as a punishment. This, too, I do not understand. Why withhold sex? I wouldn’t want to withhold sex. I love sex. Not that I don’t enjoy chastity play, but I prefer to think of it as putting my favorite toy away when I’m not using it. Perhaps most femdoms are, in fact, ice-queens with no sex drive but who have an endless drive for inflicting cruelty and degradation. But I suspect not. I suspect more of them are like me.
I am a dominant woman. I am not invulnerable to desire. On the contrary, I am super-susceptible to desire. My desire controls me. My desire incites me to control others. The key is not about not having power–but about taking that power away. Not giving up control, but the loss of control caused by another. I don’t want someone who is always submissive, without any input from another–I want my dominance to be the key that unlocks the feeling of surrender inside of them. I don’t want someone who is worthless. I don’t want someone pathetic. I want someone valuable. I refuse to devalue submission, or the people that submit to me. It’s not that I’m better than they are or that my desires are worth more. It’s just that my desires are…more important.
I am a dominant woman. I’m not perfect. I don’t think of myself as perfect. I don’t think I am better than anyone else. I don’t have super high self-esteem. I do have healthy self-esteem, most of the time. But above all, I hold myself in high esteem.
I’ve seen the term “slaveheart”–the idea that a slave is someone who has a heart that longs to be owned by another. Slavehearts are often depicted as fragile and vulnerable. But there is no counterpart for dominants, as though our feelings don’t matter, as if our hearts can’t get broken. So I am proposing a corollary term for a dominant: a dominant spirit. A spirit that yearns to possess and overthrow. A spirit that is passionate and loving and fierce and tender.
As I walk this path, as I make this journey (although at times I loathe the trite comparison between BDSM exploration and a journey) I see the insecurities in my heart like cracks on the sidewalk. Thus far, I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want than I did a few years ago. For that, I am grateful. But sometimes it makes me feel hopeless because what I want seems so unattainable. The further I walk on this path, the more cracks I see in the pavement.
I am a dominant woman. I am not invulnerable to desire. I am not invulnerable to loneliness. Or heartbreak.
“I am a dominant woman. I am human, not a cold idea.” Bravo on the great write :)
Most fem doms that I know are fully faceted and warm folk, the cold idea may stem from part of the fantasy/forbidden fruit of the desired yet unattainable. I’ve met fem doms that present in an archetypical cold way on rare occasions, usually in public play or pro-domme contexts, but even that has reduced in recent years and most of the scenes that I see or fem dom interactions I observe have little chill and much warmth to them.
Learning my weaknesses and seeing the fault lines in my character allows me to hone my behavior to fit who I will be in the world. Being unaware of, or denying my faults would lead me to repetitively do foolish things. Seeing more cracks means that you’re “on the right path” how you compensate for those cracks might determine who you are in the world.
I have not really met many dommes who are the archetypal “ice-queen” (Not that I have been in the scene for that long mind you) and quite honestly, I don’t think that’s what I want. I have played with a few dommes who were trying to be that archetypal “ice-queen.” The most obvious thing was that they had to try very hard never to smile or laugh. That was actually not much fun. (Though the scene itself may have been) In both cases, they were quite new and it felt like they were just trying to conform to a stereotype. I wanted to but wasn’t quite sure how to say: “Relax. It’s ok. You don’t have to try so hard. Just have fun. You’re doing great.” The greatest scenes I’ve had included me and the top laughing and smiling quite a bit and otherwise showing signs that she is having a great time. Now, I do like that “unyielding strictness” every once in a while, but that’s not quite the same thing as pretending to be a statue.
Now obviously, I represent myself here and I’m sure there are some people who really want to get beaten and told they are worthless by someone without facial expressions. (Statue of Liberty role-play anyone?) But in my limited experience, most dommes are human beings who display emotions, and I like it that way.
Great post. If you haven’t yet read it, I would encourage you to read “Kinky Sex for Social Justice” for its incredibly incisive commentary on the dominant-woman-as-ice-queen trope (if you can stomach the painful generalizations about submissive men, with which I sadly largely agree). An excerpt:
Oops! Meant to actually link you to Kinky Sex for Social Justice. My bad. Feel free to edit my previous comment to correct me.
Submitting to you always feels incredible, but it always feels better when it’s not something you’ve planned on, and is instead something that a burst of emotion causes you to take.
I think a huge and pervasive problem is that some people can’t or won’t differentiate fantasy role play from reality.
Hot fantasy role play: Ice queen who looks haughtily down her nose, commands her submissive to do things he ‘hates’, who doesn’t care for him, will dismiss him on a whim if he doesn’t perform to her satisfaction, hurts him without compassion, throws him out when she is done etc.
Reality: Woman with all of the depth of feelings and reactions as… um… anyone else… quelle surpris!!
*sigh*
The fantasy is insidious and is played out by individuals and organisations to the detriment of anyone trying to have an actual relationship.
I find it exhausting to have to explain it over and over again.
Good on you for giving it a go!
Ferns
Just one more voice in the chorus of affirming voices here.
Passionate, loving, fierce, tender… yup, all those, and above all~ real.
That is what your post said to me, you are a fully realized human, not some caricature designed by and for someone else’s fantasy life.
Doms do cry, and ache, and feel incredibly vulnerable, but it’s worth it to be real.
[...] said it best here and in fact you should read the 3 or so posts that follow as well. While I wasn’t looking, [...]
[...] Or, in Chaos’s words: While male subs are not seen as potential objects of desire, female doms are seen only as objects of desire. That’s how I feel sometimes as a femme dom in the public scene: they see me, but not my desires. [...]