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Dominance

Friday, June 3rd, 2011 by

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means for me to identify as a dominant woman. I find it somewhat difficult to explain, as it’s rather subtle.

A friend once remarked that he thought it was surprising that I’m so dominant, because I’m so feminine. This struck me as completely nonsensical, as my femininity is intrinsically tied to my dominance. My power lies in my smile, my hips, turning heads as I walk down the street and knowing yes, you want me.

Certainly, I enjoy being bossy and sadistic; I’d like to tie you up and hit you with various objects and make you serve me. I love to do this, but that’s not the core of my dominance.

It is not that I am controlling you; rather, I am making you lose control of yourself.

It is when I am on top of you, and you lose yourself inside of me, and in that moment you are mine, mine, mine.

 

8 Responses to “Dominance”

  1. FFL says:

    This is beautiful, powerful, eloquent, and overwhelmingly, irresistably, knee-weakeningly, mind-explodingly hot.

  2. FFL says:

    Keep up the good work!

  3. Sophia, NOT Loren! says:

    The last two paragraphs of this post perfectly express the inverse of my views regarding submission!

    I’m not being controlled, but being made to give my control away. And the “loss of self” into someone on top of me — that’s the most incredible feeling, it’s the whole point of that kind of encounter.

  4. I’m not sure I feel the same way, personally – I’m not sure how much my girl-parts have to do with my top-ness – but I still understand where you’re coming from.

    Really, this post resonates with me because I get annoyed as hell by anyone who presumes to tell someone else about that person’s orientation. For most of my life, I’ve had people tell me I surely can’t be dominant since I have issues with agoraphobia and social anxiety – as though being shy and reticent in the outside world has any fucking bearing at all on how I behave in the safety of my bedroom with my sub. Tellingly, my subs have never questioned my orientation or ability; the people who question me are passing acquaintances who’ve seen me act quiet and reserved in public and decided that’s the entire sum of my personality.

    Sorry, I’m ranting. Just…what fucking gives anyone the right to tell someone else who they are?

    • Fizz says:

      For most of my life, I’ve had people tell me I surely can’t be dominant since I have issues with agoraphobia and social anxiety – as though being shy and reticent in the outside world has any fucking bearing at all on how I behave in the safety of my bedroom with my sub.

      This is something I love hearing from other dominants, because being gentle and egalitarian and diplomatic are such big parts of who I am. I didn’t understand for a long time that dominant != aggressive bitch, so it never occurred to me that I might be dominant also. This annoys me, so there’s a post about it in the pipeline. :P

    • Professor Chaos says:

      @perversecowgirl
      Right! I should hasten to say that I’m not saying this is how dominance should be or has to be–there is no one right way to be dominant. Some people find their kink identity and their sexuality to be totally separate parts of themselves, and that’s perfectly valid. This is just my own take on it.

      One of the people with whom I occasionally play bottoms %90 of the time, identifies as a switch, and takes a fair amount of flak for that. To which I always reply–why police other people’s identities? Let them identify how they want to. One of the (supposed) benefits of having a kink scene is so we can feel comfortable being who we are without other people judging us or trying to make assumptions about who we are.

      Rant away! I appreciate your comment and the opportunity for discussion. Thanks for reading!

      • I’m not saying this is how dominance should be or has to be…

        Oh, for sure. It’s clear that you were stating an opinion, not a mandate. :)

        Weirdly, for me I think I want a sub to disregard my female-bodied-ness when I’m domming him. Or for him to actively see me as male? I’m not sure. I may feel that little rush of “guys think I look hot, yay!” if I’m in a nightclub, but in a BDSM situation I want to feel powerful because I’m authoritative and scary, not because I have boobs.

        I think my attitude comes from some unfortunate associations in my head with male=powerful and female=doormat (I grew up with a dad who was this terrifying domineering figure and a mom who constantly tried to placate him, or at least stay out of his way). Sometime soon I’ll have to post on my blog about my disturbing internalized sexism. :P

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